stilig boy, our boy
brown in colour
heart in two
die boere mense on one side
the indian indentured within you
africa, your birth mother
sverige your adopted mother too
I know it has been hard
these last two years without any friends at school
you try and they see
they’re polite but unwelcoming
lekfull son
I know all you want is a Swedish best friend
who will build Lego
and play fight with sticks
who will ask you questions about what you think and feel
making funny faces as you eat fresh snow off the ground
pretending it is an ice cream dessert, another round
vi alskar dig, kanna
Daddy and I, very much
we did not bring you to Sweden as some emotional sucker punch
to take you away from everything you know
everyone you love
your putee and thatha, your grammy and uncle, perima, aunt Bernice and her “crazy dog”
I know immigration cost you all your toys, your puzzles and books
your train bed and a house with a pool and those pool noodles
I know the words don’t make sense at school, and you get angry when people expect you to understand
to remember sounds and words, to translate sentences
that ring like conflicting mariachi bands
these beginning years are hard
I am told
everyone struggles to adjust
for us with our left-hand driving
unaware of subway systems
and English speaking, the most
teacher Mariam said she is proud of you
proud that you are pulling through
you are not in the clicks
you have no real friend in class
but your work is progressing and that’s a good start
don’t give up
remember what I said
we are fighters, us southern Africans
in spirit, nothing will hold us down for long
no struggle, no pain, no longing
we will get up every time we fall
one day soon, you will speak and feel more Swedish
we all will
you will feel Africa’s hold let go
and that’s a good thing
so that you can make Sweden a proper home
and focus on a future here
amongst new friends and peers
fantasifull pojke
I can’t wait for your imagination to take flight
in real life
what will you bring to Sweden
maybe, as you said, invent an apartment building that will protect people from nuclear war
how lovely
placing human life at the fore
your curious mind is a magical wonder
maverick, boy blue
you ask questions and see the world so simply
can you smell that, in the elevator, you say
no, I answer
it smells gross, like poo or fart
okay, I laugh out loud
you probably can’t smell it, you add in all seriousness, because you’re not as close to the ground
o-kay, I am left dumbfounded
I cried when I heard your heartbeat, you know
weird, how I was certain I had just met my son
you are and should be your own person
a man who chooses his own fate
be kind though and stand up for those weaker
irrespective of colour, class, sex or gender
be honest, like your Dad
it should feel bad to see someone sad
our creator tells us to care, when that pinch in our hearts comes out of nowhere
my liefling
I am sorry for all those times
when you were little
that I was hard on you, rageful or unreasonably strict
as your grammy said, expecting you to think and feel as an adult
I am sorry if I hurt you with any neglect
of your needs or feelings
we often do to others what was done to us
more so, to the people we love
I am learning to be better
to learn from my mistakes
and I want you to do the same
whether you intend to harm or not
be willing to be better
instead of digging in
little boy
big boy
you will be a man sooner than I would like
I am trying to enjoy as much of you in my life
wherever you choose to be
know that mummy always believes in you, baby